"Sometimes people don’t want to hear the truth because they don’t want their illusions destroyed."
— Friedrich Nietzsche (via theangrytherapist)
Planned Parenthood is on Tumblr!
Planned Parenthood is excited to be launching our new Tumblr that’s all about sexual and reproductive health – bodies, birth control, relationship issues, “is it normal for this to do this?” type things. In the coming weeks and months we’ll be sharing what we know, answering questions, and just… tumblring.
We hope you like it! And we hope it helps.
Advice Columnist Smacks Down Biphobe: Dear Lady A: Skeptical about the B
DEAR LADY A: The people I know who claim they’re bi are attention-seeking and creepy. I honestly think, of the “bisexuals” I know, the guys are just gays who can’t emotionally handle being gay, and the women are trying to keep potential boyfriends interested with the promise of threesomes. Are actual bisexuals even real? If so, where are they hiding?
~~ Real Homo, Skeptical About The B in LGBT
DEAR DOUBTING HOMO: I’m not hiding and I’m bisexual, so your statement is really more about your own mistrust, isn’t it? It is the worst kind of queer self-sabotage to imply that a sexuality simply cannot be, because you can’t personally imagine it. It’s also ironic. Normally, I have a special contempt for assholes who attempt to inform me that my bisexuality is an urban myth promoted by terrified queens or an affectation I employ to impress my boyfriends. But I will try to exercise patience with you. I will even try to see it from your perspective for a moment.
This is FANTASTIC. As someone whose sexuality doesn’t fit into the either/or box (and if forced to use a label at this point, would choose bisexual), I love this response so much. LOVE IT.
(Source: chicagophoenix.com)
Venus Green, who was 87 when she was handcuffed, roughed up and injured by police, will receive $95,000 as part of a settlement with Baltimore City. The city chose to settle the case instead of taking a chance in front of a jury.
“We thought we would have a difficult time in front of a city jury, or any jury,” Baltimore City solicitor George Nilson said.
Green was so put out by what police officers did, the city said she locked one of them in her basement.
“I was treated like a criminal,” said Green, a retired educator who’s now 90.
Unbelievable.
So why can’t I wear it?
- Headdresses promote stereotyping of Native cultures.
The image of a warbonnet and warpaint wearing Indian is one that has been created and perpetuated by Hollywood and only bears minimal resemblance to traditional regalia of Plains tribes. It furthers the stereotype that Native peoples are one monolithic culture, when in fact there are 500+ distinct tribes with their own cultures. It also places Native people in the historic past, as something that cannot exist in modern society. We don’t walk around in ceremonial attire everyday, but we still exist and are still Native.
- Headdresses, feathers, and warbonnets have deep spiritual significance.
The wearing of feathers and warbonnets in Native communities is not a fashion choice. Eagle feathers are presented as symbols of honor and respect and have to be earned. Some communities give them to children when they become adults through special ceremonies, others present the feathers as a way of commemorating an act or event of deep significance. Warbonnets especially are reserved for respected figures of power. The other issue is that warbonnets are reserved for men in Native communities, and nearly all of these pictures show women sporting the headdresses. I can’t read it as an act of feminism or subverting the patriarchal society, it’s an act of utter disrespect for the origins of the practice. (see my post on sweatlodges for more on the misinterpretation of the role of women). This is just as bad as running around in a pope hat and a bikini, or a Sikh turban cause it’s “cute”.
- It’s just like wearing blackface.
“Playing Indian” has a long history in the United States, all the way back to those original tea partiers in Boston, and in no way is it better than minstral shows or dressing up in blackface. You are pretending to be a race that you are not, and are drawing upon stereotypes to do so. Like my first point said, you’re collapsing distinct cultures, and in doing so, you’re asserting your power over them. Which leads me to the next issue.
- There is a history of genocide and colonialism involved that continues today.
By the sheer fact that you live in the United States you are benefiting from the history of genocide and continued colonialism of Native peoples. That land you’re standing on? Indian land. Taken illegally so your ancestor who came to the US could buy it and live off it, gaining valuable capital (both monetary and cultural) that passed down through the generations to you. Have I benefited as well, given I was raised in a white, suburban community? yes. absolutely. but by dismissing and minimizing the continued subordination and oppression of Natives in the US by donning your headdress, you are contributing to the culture of power that continues the cycle today.But I don’t mean it in that way, I just think it’s cute!
- Well hopefully I’ve illuminated that there’s more at play here than just a “cute” fashion choice. Sorry for taking away your ignorance defense.
But I consider it honoring to Native Americans!
- I think that this cartoon is a proper answer, but I’ll add that having a drunken girl wearing a headdress and a bikini dancing at an outdoor concert does not honor me. I remember reading somewhere that it was also “honoring the fine craftsmanship of Native Americans”. Those costume shop chicken feather headdresses aren’t honoring Native craftsmanship. And you will be very hard pressed to find a Native artist who is closely tied to their community making headdresses for sale. See the point about their sacredness and significance.
I’m just wearing it because it’s “ironic”!
- I’m all for irony. Finger mustaches, PBR, kanye glasses, old timey facial hair, 80’s spandex—fine, funny, a bit over-played, but ironic, I guess. Appropriating someone’s culture and cavorting around town in your skinny jeans with a feathered headdress, moccasins, and turquoise jewelry in an attempt to be ‘counterculture’? Not ironic. If you’re okay with being a walking representative of 500+ years of colonialism and racism, or don’t mind perpetuating the stereotypes that we as Native people have been fighting against for just as long, by all means, go for it. But by embracing the current tribal trends you aren’t asserting yourself as an individual, you are situating yourself in a culture of power that continues to oppress Native peoples in the US. And really, if everyone is doing it, doesn’t that take away from the irony? am I missing the point on the irony? maybe. how is this even ironic? I’m starting to confuse myself. but it’s still not a defense.
Stop getting so defensive, it’s seriously just fashion!
- Did you read anything I just wrote? It’s not “just” fashion. There is a lot more at play here. This is a matter of power and who has the right to represent my culture. (I also enjoy asking myself questions that elicit snarky answers.)
What about the bigger issues in Indian Country? Poverty, suicide rates, lack of resources, disease, etc? Aren’t those more important that hipster headdresses?
- Yes, absolutely. But, I’ll paraphrase Jess Yee in this post, and say these are very real issues and challenges in our communities, but when the only images of Natives that Americans see are incorrect, and place Natives in the historic past, it erases our current presence, and makes it impossible for the current issues to exist in the collective American consciousness. Our cultures and lives are something that only exist in movies or in the past, not today. So it’s a cycle, and in order to break that cycle, we need to question and interrogate the stereotypes and images that erase our current presence—while we simultaneously tackle the pressing issues in Indian Country. They’re closely linked, and at least this is a place to start.
Well then, Miss Cultural Appropriation Police, what CAN I wear?
- If you choose to wear something Native, buy it from a Native. There are federal laws that protect Native artists and craftspeople who make genuine jewelry, art, etc. (see info here about The Indian Arts and Crafts Act). Anything you buy should have a label that says “Indian made” or “Native made”. Talk to the artist. find out where they’re from. Be diligent. Don’t go out in a full “costume”. It’s ok to have on some beaded earrings or a turquoise ring, but don’t march down the street wearing a feather, with loaded on jewelry, and a ribbon shirt. Ask yourself: if you ran into a Native person, would you feel embarrassed or feel the need to justify yourself? As commenter Bree pointed out, it’s ok to own a shirt with kimono sleeves, but you wouldn’t go out wearing full kabuki makeup to a bar. Just take a minute to question your sartorial choices before you go out.
…and an editorial comment: I should also note that I have absolutely nothing against hipsters. In fact, some would argue I have hipster-leaning tendencies. In my former San Francisco life, had been known to have a drink or two in the clouds of smoke outside at Zeitgeist, and enjoyed shopping on Haight street. I enjoy drinking PBR out of the can when I go to the dive bars near my apartment where I throw darts and talk about sticking it to ‘The Man’. I own several fringed hipster scarves, more than one pair of ironic fake ray-ban wayfarers, and two plaid button downs. I’m also not trying to stereotype and say that all hipsters do/wear the above, just like not every hipster thinks it’s cool to wear a headdress. So, I don’t hate hipsters, I hate ignorance and cultural appropriation. There is a difference. Just thought I should clear that up.
bless this post. my sister and i were shopping the other day and she really wanted to buy this belt at some expensive trendy store which had a poorly done native motif, i told her if she wanted that she should go to the trading post so someone who was actually part of that culture would benefit, instead of some ass hats trying to capitalize on appropriating native culture.
(Source: veganparty)
POSSIBLE SELF HARM-RELATED TRIGGERS BELOW:
Self-harm is listed in the DSM-IV-TR as a symptom of borderline personality disorder. However patients with other diagnoses may also self-harm, including those with depression, anxiety disorders, substance abuse, eating disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder, schizophrenia, and several personality disorders.[2] Self-harm is also apparent in high-functioning individuals who have no underlying clinical diagnosis.[6] The motivations for self-harm vary and it may be used to fulfill a number of different functions.[12] These functions include self-harm being used as a coping mechanism which provides temporary relief of intense feelings such as anxiety, depression, stress, emotional numbness or a sense of failure or self-loathing and other mental traits including low self-esteem[13] or perfectionism. Self-harm is often associated with a history of trauma and abuse, including emotional and sexual abuse.[14][15]
It is truly important to remember that self harm is not unique to the borderline personality disorder (BPD) community. I hear way too many clinicians using the terms “borderline” and “cutter” interchangeably.
Borderlines don’t all self harm. Those who self harm are not all borderlines. And just as importantly, many people who self harm aren’t “cutters” at all.
As a clinician, I find the distinctions to be very important in properly treating mental illness and truly understanding the client, and as someone who has a remote history of treatment for PTSD-related self harm, I can attest to the hurtful affects of the assumptions that are made based just on the scars I still bear from my past.
Self harm is serious. It can’t be undone. It’s a coping mechanism used for a lot of reasons and is a symptom of several different illnesses, and the stigma we still allow even within the professional community is appalling.
What women could afford if the gender gap didn’t exist.
Put another way, a woman over the course of her lifetime could afford two houses, 7 college degrees from a public university, 14 new cars, or $431,360 for retirement.
(via barackobama)
"It’s so bad you’ll want to start cutting again."
—
co-worker, Tuesday afternoon regarding something trivial
——————
THINGS WRONG WITH A PERSON EVER IN THEIR LIFE SAYING THIS TO ME:
http://brandicesays.tumblr.com/post/21153046987/its-so-bad-youll-want-to-start-cutting-again
(via brandicesays)
Would just like to say that I am also a clinician, and this is something I might let slip from my lips. Why? Not because I’m joking, or insensitive, but because it might be the only way I can express my own desire to cut. Whether it be conscious or subconscious, I may say this because I wouldn’t have any other way of expressing how I feel. Just a thought. Not to excuse this person’s behavior, but it’s an important thing to think about.
(via fuckyeahtopher)
No offense, but as a clinician there should be a DOZEN or more other ways to more accurately and appropriately express how you feel about something that doesn’t trigger another self injurer and you should know them all. You’re right, it’s not an excuse. It’s also not appropriate or safe to express your own desire to cut to another self injurer in this way, so being someone who has self harmed doesn’t even remotely make it more understandable. If anything I think that’s even less acceptable because you should know the stakes, and it is insensitive.
(via sundownsocialwork)
I was saying that as a person, my profession aside, no one can know how I feel, what I’ve been through, and the difficulties I may or may not have expressing myself. Me saying it could simply be a plea for help. And I only say me because I’m really trying to put myself in this person’s shoes and understand their motivations. Clinicians aren’t machines who always know what to say or psychics who can foresee every consequence. Sometimes, we make mistakes, because we are human, too. And sometimes, those mistakes aren’t as nefarious or dubious as they seem. Sometimes, people make mistakes because they don’t know, in that moment, what else to do and they feel it’s the right choice to make, even if it isn’t. Any clinician should be able to understand that.
(via fuckyeahtopher)
This fellow clinician, in this case, is very aware of my history because we have also in the past been close friends, and he is not himself a self injurer, nor was he making a cry for help. He was making a JOKE, complete with a smirk afterward and an attempt to qualify his remark when he saw that I didn’t find it funny. This was not a case of poorly expressed need for help, nor would it have been an appropriate way to express that need in a professional setting to another clinician regardless. Yes, we all make mistakes and sometimes ask for help in the wrong ways, but this way (if that had been the case) would have been REALLY wrong (especially given that he knows my history and would have knowingly been triggering me). In this case that wasn’t a factor at all. It was someone making a joke at my expense and expecting me to think it was funny. It was a sick attempt to bond over something that is not trivial and should never be taken lightly.
(via fuckyeahtopher)
"It’s so bad you’ll want to start cutting again."
—
co-worker, Tuesday afternoon regarding something trivial
——————
THINGS WRONG WITH A PERSON EVER IN THEIR LIFE SAYING THIS TO ME:
http://brandicesays.tumblr.com/post/21153046987/its-so-bad-youll-want-to-start-cutting-again
(via brandicesays)
Would just like to say that I am also a clinician, and this is something I might let slip from my lips. Why? Not because I’m joking, or insensitive, but because it might be the only way I can express my own desire to cut. Whether it be conscious or subconscious, I may say this because I wouldn’t have any other way of expressing how I feel. Just a thought. Not to excuse this person’s behavior, but it’s an important thing to think about.
(via fuckyeahtopher)
No offense, but as a clinician there should be a DOZEN or more other ways to more accurately and appropriately express how you feel about something that doesn’t trigger another self injurer and you should know them all. You’re right, it’s not an excuse. It’s also not appropriate or safe to express your own desire to cut to another self injurer in this way, so being someone who has self harmed doesn’t even remotely make it more understandable. If anything I think that’s even less acceptable because you should know the stakes, and it is insensitive.
(via fuckyeahtopher)
"It’s so bad you’ll want to start cutting again."
—
co-worker, Tuesday afternoon regarding something trivial
——————
THINGS WRONG WITH A PERSON EVER IN THEIR LIFE SAYING THIS TO ME:
1. Saying this is a trigger. A person can be triggered to engage in self harm by having it thrown in their face in the above manner. At this point I’m well past the point of that being an issue, but there is a risk when you say this to someone who has self harmed (or someone who’s thinking about it), and triggering is a big fucking deal.
2. Self harm is never a fucking joke. I am the healthiest and happiest I’ve ever been in my entire life and can never erase the physical evidence that I’ve not always been happy and healthy. That is something I have to live with for the rest of my life, something that will always be difficult, something you can see in my wedding photos (the ones I didn’t carefully photoshop), something every person who meets me when I’m wearing a short sleeved shirt gets to make a judgment call about, something I will have to explain to my children someday because mommy has those marks on her arms. I don’t joke about it. I don’t think jokes about it are funny. Call me sensitive, that’s fine. I’ll call you an asshole.
3. The follow up to this comment was “you know I only say that to you as…” (I didn’t hear the rest because I cut the person off and left the conversation). There is no manner of saying this that is okay. There is no role someone could have in my life that would make this comment acceptable. My HUSBAND would not be given license to go there (and thankfully never would), so the rest of you on this planet? DEFINITELY fucking not.
4. The actual statement itself implies that I’m someone who will self harm at this point in my life if something is bad enough, or that it’s funny to suggest it and it’s a cool and edgy way to tease me. I’ve worked long and really hard for that to not be true. Sometimes it is true, and the fact that I don’t follow through on that feeling is a huge deal for me, a huge indicator of the continued growth I’ve had as a person. This person knows that and still thought it would be funny to make light of the issue.
5. The person who said it is a fellow clinician. I can’t even articulate how fucking ridiculous that is, that another therapist would being so jaded and desensitized to the issue that they would make that joke, let alone to someone with my history.
It’s been bothering me for days, and I haven’t had an opportunity to address it with the offensive party, so plop. It gets dropped here. I shouldn’t be afraid to talk about it just because it involves my admitting to something that remains one of the things I’m most ashamed of about my past coping skills.
Trauma leads a person down a scary path. I traveled that path at a pace and level of safety that I was capable of at the time. I’m better for it (the overall journey), and I don’t deserve to have others make light of it.
*whew*
Glad that’s off my chest.
(via brandicesays)
"Many adults are put off when youngsters pose scientific questions. Children ask why the sun is yellow, or what a dream is, or how deep you can dig a hole, or when is the world’s birthday, or why we have toes. Too many teachers and parents answer with irritation or ridicule, or quickly move on to something else. Why adults should pretend to omniscience before a five-year-old, I can’t for the life of me understand. What’s wrong with admitting that you don’t know? Children soon recognize that somehow this kind of question annoys many adults. A few more experiences like this, and another child has been lost to science. There are many better responses. If we have an idea of the answer, we could try to explain. If we don’t, we could go to the encyclopedia or the library. Or we might say to the child: ‘I don’t know the answer. Maybe no one knows. Maybe when you grow up, you’ll be the first to find out.’"
— Carl Sagan (via sixtyforty)
(Source: skaterboytae, via ncooke)
We all get pissed. I have worked with several pissed off children over the years. Below is a small and freaking awesome list of things you do to help pissed off children.
1.Teach them to patch holes in walls- That can be seen as metaphor or a literal thing. If you have a child who punches holes in walls, make sure they repair the walls. The repairing encourages children to own their problems and gives them time to think. As you teach them the art of dry wall, talk to your child and encourage them to verbalize their frustrations. Ask them why they hit the wall. Share positive alternatives. If they try their hardest to repair it and it still looks like crap, make sure you describe it as beautiful
2.Show them the beauty of walking- Walking or any kind of exercise is a great way of reducing anger and stress. First, make sure they are not at risk of running away. Then, ask them to take a walk with you. Now here is the key: Don’t ask them why they are angry. Let the heart start pumping, and they air blow over them. If they bring up why they are pissed, let them. Just listen and don’t offer to fix their problem. By walking with them, you are modeling a positive way to deal with anger and other hurtful feelings.3. Leave them alone - As long as the child isn’t a harm to themselves or others, it is quite acceptable to leave them alone. Ask them once if they need anything, then walk away. A pestering or over bearing parent can really piss them off more.
4. Show them how you handle your anger - Lets face it, you handle anger inappropriately at times. That’s okay. Learn how to handle it and demonstrate positive alternatives. The best way to teach is to model.
5. Love your child - Never forget to show your child that you love them. Don’t just tell them, show them. Sometimes children can be total ass-holes, but remember they are training to be adults. So cut them some slack…
Great advice. Also tucked it into an Instapaper folder for a few years from now when I’ll need it. :)
(via Dear Search for a New Therapist » THXTHXTHX)
I love this perspective on finding the right therapist. I tell patients all the time that finding the right clinician is VERY much like dating… not every therapist will have the right chemistry with every potential client, and if the first person you see doesn’t click, it doesn’t mean therapy isn’t for you.
It means you haven’t found the right person yet, so KEEP LOOKING. :)
Yep. Self included in the baby statistic.
